I choose my words in a setting like this because a lot of "uh's" and "um's" and cursing doesn't look as great on screen when I'm trying to make a point or simply express what I'm feeling. I wish people would understand that. I am full of words but my mouth just isn't completely connected to my brain or something the way my fingers and keyboard are. So many years of trying and it's just never worked.

This isn't forced, it's merely let loose, and if the feeling you get from anything I or anyone else has to say bothers you then that's okay. I still like you, and like you a lot.

I feel fat and stupid the majority of my time and I can't figure out how to say thanks for a compliment and not do it out of courtesy alone. I also did not hate my roommate entirely the past couple of nights and it's been alright.

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Not forced at all!

It's too bad you can't express yourself easier. Is it a social anxiety thing?

I don't keep stupid people on my flist, and being fat doesn't matter. Hey, I'm fat. I think most people say "thank you" out of courtesy alone; I think most of us would rather say "I know," or "You're wrong," than "thank you," but hey, it's the world we live in. Don't wanna sound arrogant, God forbid.

Not hating your roommate is good!

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I wouldn't even know.

And thanks, yes, some days all I want to do is say "Thank you for the empty gesture, here's one in return."

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um, no you aren't

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I wish on stars, clocks, eyelashes, anything because I don't have faith in the fact that somethings are out of my control.

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You mean, you believe that wishing gives you control over these things, or you know it doesn't but it's an empty comfort that you regularly acknowledge?

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I know intellectually that I have a lot of things going for me, but most days I wake up feeling fat and ugly and totally unlikeable and that's hard to shake.

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...It is hard. Babe, if you know it, you know it. You just gotta figure out how to show you know it. Fake it till you make it; once people treat you like you're someone to be revered and respected and loved, you will be.

I dunno what else to tell you?

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I'm HAPPY with myself! I wouldn't change who I am for anything.

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AWESOME! ME TOO! HIGH FIVE!

Yo, you should go post that on your journal. Like, shit like that shouldn't be anon. I will if you will!

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Done.

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Done as well!

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I got something in the mail today that should have been an enormous thing and all I felt was disappointment. I thought, "That's what I've been working towards? Really? That's it?" and sometimes, I think that if the highs are like that then they're not worth weathering the lows.

And then I turn on my iPod and hear some of my favorite people in the world singing at me, playing instruments, moving their message, passion, enthusiasm across the world to fans everywhere, and that - not my easy middle-class life - makes me smile.

People say I'm weird. Am I?

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lol yeah. But so is most of this fandom.

Yo, you have your own personal highs and lows. Don't disconnect the two; it's all part of your life. The highs you get from music will help you get through the lows you feel that stem from other parts of your life.

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I like your layout. :D

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Thanks! :D

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My family, especially mother, wants me to be a doctor - but I want to be a writer.

Sometimes I'm scared that she's right, though, and it's better to pursue this career where I can succeed just by studying hard enough and paying attention and being knowledgeable. I can do that. Writing takes talent; and I'm scared I don't have that.

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Ditto, but with acting. Wtf do I want to do with my life?

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all I want to do is be myself, fall in love with whoever I end up falling in love with, but my mom wants me to marry a nice irish boy and have lots of blue eyed children. and sometimes, my family all gangs up on me and calls me chubby, which of course is an awesome feeling. fuck you, mom, dad, and siblings!

I often want to punch my friends in the face because they never ask me how I am; it's always themselves and FUCK sometimes it just gets me so mad.

and I'm angry and bitter and spiteful, and completely not perfect, but I like who I've become and I don't want to change for anyone at all. I like the person I've grown up to become -- confident and independent.

I'M GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE AND THAT THRILLS ME BEYOND BELIEF. A NEW START. BEING INDEPENDENT AND LEARNING ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT! NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL. NO MORE FEELING LIKE AN OUTCAST IN A SCHOOL OF OUTCASTS.

And I admire you, Emily, a lot for your spirit and honesty, even if I don't agree with you sometimes. I love not agreeing with you, because sometimes you have turned my opinion around with just a single post. and sometimes, you haven't, but you give an intelligent side of a perspective.

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Oh my God. Anon, you are the Everyteen. You are me; you are my friends. You are my parents and your own parents as they were at your age. You are all of us, and none; your problems are our own.

Parents have expectations. Fellow teenagers are vapid. Anger and bitterness come with the job description. But confidence and independence? Those are rare! And the courage to start fresh, and the faith that things will get better soon? Rare as well!

You're awesome, anon!

...And thanks!

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you need to start realizing that there are views other than your own and they are entirely valid. this isn't an attack, not really. i just think you've got a lot of growing up to do.

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...I usually think I'm pretty good at the "agree to disagree" thing. I try to find the root of the disagreement, the one abstract, unrelated position that we disagree on that lead us to each of our views. Then of course I will agree to disagree, and I rarely walk away from a debate thinking that my opponent's views aren't valid. Often I walk away doubting my own views, to some extent, in fact, but for the sake of debate I can't be like "WEL NO POINT IN TALKING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE." I'll just argue my side for the sake of the argument, which is why after a debate that actually stays on my mind for a day or two after the fact, I'll make a follow-up post.

But. Okay?

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that's really, really not how it goes down, sorry to say. in a disagreement, you actually tend to attack the person you're arguing with, and when they try to debate with you reasonably, you shut down, declare them wrong and stupid, and you're done with it.

you just don't handle conflicts very well. i really admire the fact that you are opinionated and won't back down just because someone disagrees with you, but there is a point when you need to let something go instead of retaliating.

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Well, it really doesn't look like I can defend myself here and not be a hypocrite, does it?

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i wasn't saying you couldn't defend yourself. take a look back at your recent arguments. you say Andy's crazy, but you won't tell us what you were saying to him, since you switched to email. how can we judge how 'crazy' he is, if we can't see both sides? and your argument with Kasper, take a look at that. i mean, really take a look at those logs. he wasn't mean. he wasn't terribly rude, at least no more than you were. you have this way of debate that comes across as very patronizing. if i had been him, i would have probably felt attacked and gotten defensive and irrational.

idk. maybe if you're having an argument, take a step back and a few deep breaths before you respond. i love having an interesting debate with someone, seeing something from a different perspective. i do not, however, enjoy it when the person i'm debating with implies that i'm an idiot.

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But I did post those emails! He emailed me back once after that, and then I didn't respond because 1) like I'm gonna change his mind? and 2) like he's gonna change mine? I was clearly upsetting him, so I let it drop. Would you like to see his final email? I have no problem posting it. It's less that I think he's totally crazy and more that I think he's approaching hugely complex ideas really immaturely. I'm sorry, Andy Hurley, but doing "play hunting" as a kid doesn't mean you would be a good hunter after the Collapse, nor could you get by by being a "funmaker". That's such a typical rock star answer, and up till that point, I had never thought of him as immature. I thought he was a smart guy who was maybe a little but of a doomsday-preacher, but otherwise intelligent... but seeing him say "civilization sucks. lets pray for the collapse!" is kinda... It changed how I thought of him. I went into this thinking that he was really, really smart, but now I see that he's taking all of this anti-civ stuff and he's unable to really grasp it, unable to understand the full breadth of what it would mean. He sees parts without seeing the whole, and he's definitely selective about what parts he sees. And what kind of a dude will drop $300 bucks on a pile of comic books and then even more on a restaurant and then goes on to encourage kids to destroy other people's property? He loves his Nike sneakers, but you should go blow up other people's cars. That's for the greater good. Just don't touch his Nike sneakers; that would be bad. It's true, I throw around "crazy" too much, but not when I'm really discussing this with someone. Only lol "LOLANDY" comments, or as a joke. I don't think he's totally crazy so much as I think he's playing with fire, and he doesn't seem to know what he's doing.

No, actually, going back and rereading that conversation with "debater", I still feel attacked. I actually feel, very strongly, that he was implying that I was an idiot, so I don't get what you're saying. He called me uneducated, twice, and I didn't say anything about him or his views, just my own. Actually, looking back with the better knowledge about the Gaza situation I have now, I disagree with him more than ever. "yeah. maybe you should educate yourself a bit." You don't see that as rude? And when I did ask him, okay, fine, teach me! Find me an article that proves, indisputably, that you are right and I am wrong. And he refused. I don't get it.

Actually, could you point out specific things that I said that were patronizing? Because I can point a bunch of things that he said that were patronizing. I read that conversation like four times just now and I think I found one thing that I said that sounded patronizing, but I don't even know what you mean. I actually struggled to stay humble, there; I admitted weakness, I told him up front, and he walked all over me and refused to tell me where he was getting his information, and then called me uneducated when I asked him to educate me.

I proofread everything I say in these discussions to make sure that I don't imply that the person is stupid, because I don't debate with people that I don't respect and believe are capable of understanding what I mean and responding with equal intelligence. I don't like to be "patronizing".

Actually, I'm the one that says "agree to disagree" or else just stops commenting, more often than not. Because I don't like to let things drag on when I know I won't change anyone's mind, and I don't like to fight. I like to debate. There's a difference, and the difference is that the individual doesn't get dragged into it, only the opinion. And both Kasper and Andy Hurley dragged the individual into the discussion; both times, I ignored it and kept talking about the opinion.

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maybe the quote with Kasper wasn't necessarily the best example. though there are a few things where i do see your reactions as patronizing. you continuously use ellipses at the beginning of a sentence to express your complete shock that anyone could think the way he does. the way you ask whether or not you can 'defend' your pov, that bothers me as well. it sounds like you're implying that he's not allowing you to have your own opinion.

this: rawkenr0ll: I think it's been pretty fucking justified, thank to Hamas.
rawkenr0ll: And that guy you admire? Had lunch with the head of Hamas.
rawkenr0ll: Because he thinks it's great.

this is more along the lines of what i'm trying to draw your attention to. 'because he thinks it's great' is a little black and white. the whole section there, you sound more like you're attacking him and less like you're defending your side of things.

you say you're irrational about the issue, and that you can get into it or you won't stay levelheaded. and while i appreciate that explanation, it's not an excuse to attack as you do.

you don't stay as rational as you'd like to think, nor are you as mature and levelheaded as you like to think. you're very very smart, articulate, and opinionated, and i really admire that. i'm not just saying that. i wish i had your wit and fast tongue. but you just have to watch tone, i think.

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I could not agree with this more. I don't know you personally at all, but every time I see you debating with someone, you come across as self-righteous and unwilling to consider anyone else's opinion. Having opinions is great, but so is knowing how to debate them usefully and respectfully.

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during the holidays, i seriously considered propositioning my ex for a one night stand. i didn't do it, and i'm not sure i ever will, but now the idea's in my head. i don't know. i'm not telling any mutual friends.

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...Why? Were you just lonely, or did you miss him in particular? What terms did the relationship end on, and how long ago was it?

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I miss being happy. I miss being home. I miss being my mother's little girl. I miss a time when I wasn't able to see that I was a horrible person. I miss everything, only now it's nothing. Great.

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I am so plagued by self doubt and low self esteem what I worry I will never be successful, and that for the last five years I haven't been as happy as I've been telling myself I am.

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You seem very intelligent but your Disney obsession creeps me out and makes me lose any respect I might have had for you

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Whoa, wasn't expecting that one.

Are you a bandomer? Because I've noticed that most (non-fandom, non-musichead) people lump artists like FOB and PATD together with artists like the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus. From the inside, bandomers look down on me for liking it, but from the outside, people look down on us the same way. It's weird, you know? And I was so ashamed of it when I first got into Disney. I know what you mean. But I take it with a grain of salt; I know that most of those kids are braindead and untalented. I'm here for the shits & giggles, but hey, I like shits & giggles! Don't most people? I don't take any of it seriously.

Edited at 2009-01-13 06:12 pm (UTC)

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Every time someone on my flist posts an embedded video I feel compelled to watch it. Even if it's something I have seen already, or if it's something I am not particularly interested in, I still watch it.

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I'm going to be a writer and no one can stop me. It's what I want to do. It's the only thing I'm "decent" at. I've been doing it since I was twelve and it's become a therapy for me as well as a pass time, which is why I don't have to look down at my keyboard when I'm typing. If I do, it usually messes me up.

Yup. I'm a nerd.

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(Let me preface this with, yes, I am in high school, so these are ~trivial!)

I'm fucking terrified of growing up. Everyone says I'll do fine, but, honestly, I'm usually too lost in a daze to pay attention to important details. I think I'm going to fuck up my future completely.

Also, if my friends don't stop talking about each other behind their backs and then acting Just So Sweet and like The Best Friends Ever, I will punch a baby in the spleen.

Thank you for letting me let out my frustrations here!

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I need to feel more loved.

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you make me smile.

thank you.

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You're welcome? This icon makes me smile.

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I'm so tired and depressed all the time. It might be those stupid girl hormones but it still is painful. It's all because of my relationship problems. I feel like my girlfriend doesn't love me anymore. It doesn't help when her friends tell her to break up with me and my friends tell me to break up with her. Her friends want us to break up because they all think I'm immature, need to grow up, and things very similar to that. My friends want us to break up because I pay for everything, she will randomly yell at me for the most trivial things, and [she has done this three times] she has hit me before. Not in the face, but in the stomach and in the chest. She hasn't done it for some time but that doesn't change the fact that she has done it. She's started calling less and texting less. We've been together for a little over a year and a half. It just doesn't feel the same. I still love her and I want to cuddle her and kiss her but she doesn't like to be touched or be kissed. When we first were together she had told me that the most intimate display of affection was kissing [for her personally] so just the little things like that that make me think that she doesn't love me anymore. I'm just so tired and confused and a part of me wants it to end... It hurts.

Haha, anon rant, sorry about that.

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that's awful. it really... honestly? it sounds like it's time to end. it'll be hard, but it can't be that much harder than what you're going through right now.

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